Thursday, February 7, 2013

39 and 10

Today, my Mat turns 39.  I am so sure he is happy that I am posting his age for all the world to see.  One more year until the big 40.  Goodness.  The first birthday Mat and I spent as a couple is the year he turned 17.  Here we are - 22 years later.  Love him more today than yesterday.  I am lucky I have such a great man to spend my life with.  He is truly my best friend. 

Today, he came home from a long business trip.  We had a quiet celebration and will celebrate big once his parents arrive this weekend.  We are so glad they will be here with us.  He opened his presents from the kids, and a few others, but we will save the others for this weekend.

 As always, I wish this day was just about happiness and joy.  About how lucky I have been these last 22 years with Mat.  How I hope we have 100 years more before this life leads to the next.

But it isn't.

Today is also a day of sadness.  Today marks the 10 year anniversary of my Godbrother, Matt's, death.  Not one day goes by when he isn't on my mind.  When I don't discuss things with him - ask him for guidance.  I was 39 weeks pregnant when we got the awful news that he had been killed in a car accident.  I was in the garage with Mat - finishing up some last minute touches to some shelves for Arlington's baby room.  The phone rang, and Mat answered it.  It was my brother AJ.  I smiled thinking he was calling to wish Mat a happy 29th birthday - the last one he would spend before he entered his 30s and became a dad.

Mat hung up the phone and sighed.  The first thing he said to me was "your family is okay".  I sighed with relief thinking it was something minor.  But it wasn't.  Matt - my family - had been killed.  My family was NOT okay.  I have never cried so hard in all of my life.  Haven't cried that hard since.  I felt the pain to my soul.  Every memory I have of him flashed through my mind.  Every fun event, every get together, every hug from the most generous boy in the world.  His quiet way.  His sweet voice.  And it was all gone in an instant.  Bad weather and a stroke of bad luck took a piece of our family away.

My Godbrother has an older sister and a younger brother.  We grew up together and were as tight as if we were blood.  Christy and I were always sister sole mates and Ryan was our little playmate.  We spent countless hours together.  Our parents are best friends.  There is no way to explain that they are truly family.

I remember that Christy's husband was away at war.  They didn't want Christy - who lived far away - to know what happened until her husband could be there with her.  She was all alone in Kansas.  They flew him home to break the news, and she just screamed and screamed.  Terrible gut wrenching screams, and our bottom just dropped out of our world.  We went from a group of 5 to 4 and a now there was this terrible hole we would never fill.

I couldn't get home to be with my family.  Being due in less than a week and being 3000 miles away in California, I couldn't be there.  I couldn't breathe knowing I couldn't get there.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying.  I didn't understand why such a terrible thing could happen to our family.

A week later, Arlington was born.  She lifted the fog that had surrounded our family.  A few weeks later we flew home and had the chance to be with my Godparents.  The house was so quiet.  I tried hard not to start at Matt's picture on the wall, but I couldn't tear my eyes away.  He was no longer here.  He was no longer here.

Today we live the nightmare all over again.  Year after year, this day makes my chest tight and my heart heavy.  How I want it to just be about Mat's birthday.  How I wish I didn't have to think of the unspeakable grief my Godfamily has on this day.

10 years.  Our hearts have begun to heal, but they will never be the same.  I smile more when I think of him, but a sob always catches in my throat soon after.  I crave him to be here so deeply.

Matt - I know you are watching us.  I know that some day we will see you again.  My faith in God and Heaven grew stronger the day you died because I had to had to had to believe that you were waiting for us somewhere.

And to Chris, Mary Louise, Christy, and Ryan - I love you so much.  My pain pales in comparison to yours.  But know that I have never loved another family more.

We Remember Them…

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember them;

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember them;

In the opening of buds and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them;

In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn,

We remember them;

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,

We remember them;

When we are weary and in need of strength,

We remember them;

When we are lost and sick at heart,

We remember them;

When we have joys we yearn to share,

We remember them;

So long as we live, they too shall live

For they are now a part of us as

We remember them.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Pletcher Family,

I am happy that your Husband can be with you another year.
I am also deeply moved by your words and poem to your GodBrother.
I wish you happiness and streangth now and in the days that are to come.

Bless your Family,